I confess to lies, pain, fear, and love..

Discussion in 'Confessions' started by Angelxox, Nov 12, 2018.

Do you wear a mask?

  1. Yes

  2. No

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Angelxox

    Angelxox Well-Known Member

    I’m going to warn you before you start reading. I have a lot to get off my chest. And I might get a little sappy.

    Your discretion is advised.

    I don’t know why I came here. I was depressed... and feeling alone one night and typed “chat rooms “ into google and found this. I just wanted to talk. To someone. To anyone. About anything. I didn’t care.

    It was almost like a game at first. Playing a girl who wasn’t sad and depressed. I put on a mask to become what I thought people would like. Whatever would get people talking to me. I became someone else. Someone I thought others would find fun and exciting... I’m no drinker... no party girl... nothing interesting. Just a some girl. A girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

    As time went on the mask started to slip. I don’t think anyone noticed at first.... But it became more evident to me I was at a party I didn’t belong at.
    The sex. The fun and games. Everyone was into it. And I just pretended to be.

    Pretending.... and I thought it was making the sadness and the hurt go away because the girl I was trying to be had none of that. Not a care in the world. Her only concern was fun.

    Then it fell. The mask. It just fell for someone who told me it was okay. Okay to be me. Okay to say the things on my mind. But it wasn’t.

    Damn.
    I was the fool.
    He played the game better than I did. He called my bluff. He pick my heart off my sleeve just to crumple it. He said this was HIS game. And my part was done.

    Okay.
    It’s fine I thought. Pick up the mask, put it back on. Cover up the hurt. No one will notice. No one will see. But my mask. It was cracked. Right in half. Now I had to use both hands to hold it up. Just hoping. Just praying. No one would noticed.

    But his presence made me drop one half. And the anger and hurt bled right through. It was undeniable now. The illusion I tried projecting was fading quickly, people saw.

    One person in particular saw too. Aside, he asked me if I was okay. I was breaking down... And that’s when everything just fell away. I dropped the mask completely. I let him see me.

    Me. Socially awkward, a hopeless romantic, mentally unstable, an introvert in my real life, broken, lost, lonely, angry, sad, depressed. A straight up mess. A girl who is sick. A girl with no backbone, shy, always in the shawdows, always getting hurt, always getting used. A girl who thinks herself worthless and without a voice. Scared. Not living, just barely surviving.

    And he... he didn’t run. He listened. With no ulterior motive in sight. He offered me friendship and kindness. We talked for hour. He talked to ME.

    The real me.

    That really does has a fun loving crazy side! It was just burried away. I didn’t have to pretend to be happy... I was happy. I am happy. He helped me find my own happiness by just accepting me as I am. By giving me patience. Time. He somehow reminded me of the women I was trying to be but gave up.

    A women who could find her own happiness and was strong, and free from all the chains that once bond her, trapped her and held her captive for years. He reminded me that the fear and pain of my old life wasn’t there. Something that women I wanted to become in my real life use to know and not want to forget. Some how I got lost. But his kindness unknowingly lit the way.

    Eventually, he gave me love too.
    And I gave him mine. More love than I thought my heart was ever capable of. More love than I’d ever given anyone... And I hadn’t even see his face, heard his voice, or gotten to feel his touch.

    I’ve fallen in love before. But not like this, and not online.

    When I saw him and heard him for the first time, my heart was racing. “So this is the man I’d fallen in love with” I thought, and loved him even more. Fell even harder.

    Wow.

    Now here I am. No mask in sight. Just me. And I stay because of the friends I’ve now managed to make. The real laughs I’m able to have. The real smiles and giggles you all give me. With your silliness and love of fun (this one goes out to the RP room). You all taught me that connections can be formed anywhere, with anyone. Friendship or otherwise.

    So... thank YOU. All of you.
    Anyone who took the time to read this.

    Thank you.

    So in short:

    I confess I wore a masked, played a part that wasn’t me, got hurt, found a missing piece, remembered the real women I wanted to be... and then found love. Made friends. And maybe learned a thing or two from some of you.

    xoxo <3
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  2. Sun66

    Sun66 Well-Known Member

    Beautiful words written by a beautiful person inside and out.

    Thank you for sharing,

    Love and light x
     
  3. Angelxox

    Angelxox Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much...
     
  4. Chubby74

    Chubby74 Well-Known Member

    I'm in tears.......
     
    PhotographerGuy and Cntrygrl like this.
  5. Angelxox

    Angelxox Well-Known Member

    Happy tears I hope...
     
  6. Chubby74

    Chubby74 Well-Known Member

    Easy to see why I love her, no?
     
  7. Sun66

    Sun66 Well-Known Member

    Clearly!!!!!

    I wish you both happiness x
     
  8. Angelxox

    Angelxox Well-Known Member

    Thank you, that’s actually really really nice to hear
     
  9. Chubby74

    Chubby74 Well-Known Member

    I confess.
    I've allowed my own insecurities to mess with my head and hurt the one I love. I couldn't see that what I was doing could be taken as mistrust until it was almost too late. Years of being made to feel useless and unworthy of anything almost destroyed something very special and hurt the one I hold so dear. I'm not a stupid man, but sometimes say and do stupid things, things that I can't always see the consequences to.
    I often just think that the woman I am so desperately in love deserves and can do better than me and I don't see how much that can upset her. I genuinely believe that her love and affection for me runs as deep as mine does for her, but I'm not always able to show her that belief because of the doubt in myself about me.
    I'm sorry above all else that I hurt her......
     
  10. Chubby74

    Chubby74 Well-Known Member

    I was that man who saw you for you, I fell as deeply and as quickly as you did. Somewhere along the road I got wrapped up in a dream of what could be and I stopped listening to the important things, focussing on a possible future rather than the here and now. I stopped listening to what you needed now in the moment and took things to a place they should never of gone.
    I was/am a fool, not for loving you, but for letting that love take over everything else in my mind. Ordinarily that may not be a bad thing, but in our situation it is, your needs have to come before my emotions, my needs and my hopes for the future until a time when we could both look forward.
    I didn't understand everything, yet I said I did, I wanted to understand you and the things you were saying, but I let my heart and emotions take control, my head stopped listening. For that I am eternally sorry, for that I have almost lost any hope of true redemption in your eyes and your trust, faith in me.
    I will forever be yours and I will give you the rest of my days to try and make things up to you. I don't know if we'll ever get back to where we were, but I'm going to strive to earning back what I so carelessly lost.

    I love you now as much if not more as I did at the beginning and I don't care who knows that or what an ass I've been.
     
    Irene_Adler and Renee like this.
  11. Cntrygrl

    Cntrygrl Active Member

    Thank you for sharing! I needed to read a positive today. I needed to know love can win. I have always loved openly and I'm hurting, broken, and lost right now because I gave everything to someone who promised he loved me but betrayed me in the worst way possible. Now I wear a mask in chat. Pretending to be happy, especially when he is there. You have given me hope for healing. Blessings to you!
     

Share This Page