Make me laugh

[cutelittlekirstie]

There is sooooo many that I have posted here.

 

[ImWoody]

Thanks, I can't take credit for any of the jokes posted here.

I am friends on Facebook with an old school teacher, he posts a joke every day. I also finds jokes on a joke app that I have.

So sadly I'm not that good at thinking of jokes.

Most of my jokes are ones I’ve heard in my travels. I tried to make up one about a polymath who was also polyamorous. But I don’t think it worked out. That’s just a statement, btw, not a joke. In case you couldn’t tell lol!

 

[ImWoody]

Why is is called taking a piss and not leaving a piss?

(That’s kind of a joke. Or perhaps some Woody philosophy!)

 

[ImWoody]

Americans can’t switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

 

[ImWoody]

King: Our kingdom is about to go into battle. How many volunteers do we have for my evil army, squire?

Squire: 384 my liege.

King: Well, round them up!

Squire: 400, my liege.

 

[ImWoody]

Justice is a dish best serve cold.

If served warm it would be justwater.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

I had a text from a mate and his girlfriend who are on holiday in Croatia. It's really sad to be honest.

He said that they were going to Split.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

A vampire asks the barman for some hot water.

The barman says I thought vampires drank blood?.

Vampire pulls tampon out of his pocket and says, I'm making tea.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

My brother has taken up a new hobby 2 days a week, bell ringing. It's an unusual hobby, but if he's happy great.

Unfortunately the bus driver isn't very happy about it.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

Patient. Dr, what does the X-ray of my head show?.

Dr. Absolutely nothing.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

2 windmills were in a field chatting.

1 says to the other, do you like classical music?.

The other says no, I'm a heavy metal fan.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

Everyone in my family is musical.

Even the sowing machine is a singer.

Some people might not get it.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

Yo mamma is so fat that she can be seen from orbit.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

When they invented the baton, they didn't really like it. But they ran with it.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

My mate went for a job at Evri, he got there late because he went to the wrong address.

They gave him the job there and then.

Evri is a courier company in the UK and they are shit.

 

[cutelittlekirstie]

Aunt Mary is like a birthday cake.

Everyone gets a peice of her.

 

[cm60]

Good thread Deb!!

Ok just a joke. Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin says "man it's hot in here" Know what the second muffin says???..."wholly shit a talking muffin"

 

[cm60]

Nothing really just felt like posting pictures of my cock

 

[ImWoody]

Yo mamma is so fat that she can be seen from orbit.

Haven’t hear a Yo Mamma joke in awhile. Brings me back.

 

[ImWoody]

Your sister is such a slut, we call her Frito-Lay.

It’s an American company that makes potato chips, btw. Although you guys call them crisps. Not really sure if that company has a presence across the pond.