Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers. 
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I finally quit drinking for good! Now I drink for Evil. ^-^
Some people say that the body is a temple... mine’s more like a bouncy castle.
Maybe if we tell people that the brain is an app they’ll start using it.
My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing on a pull door... I just know it.
You know you’re getting old when your knees give you a better weather forecast than the guy on tv.
Okay. It’s Wednesday already, when does the humping commence?
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”.
Love: (noun) A form of amnesia when a girl forgets that there are 1.2 billion other boys in the world.
Marriage: (mar-raige) noun; An endless sleepover with your favourite weirdo.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I asked Alexa “what do women want”. It hasn’t shut up for nine days.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.
I changed my password to “incorrect” that way when I forget it the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend, I offer free training.
Why is it that My hump days involve too much “day” and never enough “hump”?
I’m not crazy... No, wait... Maybe I’m crazy, one second... I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I may not cry over spilled milk... but I’ll lose my freakin mind over spilled coffee. :O
My apologies, I didn’t mean to worry y’all, just some days it’s hard to find my smile, Friday was just one of those days. Sorry.
Please let us know you are alright. You are sorely missed and, I for one, am worried about you. Hugs -
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