Melancholy and infinite sadness

[Catch22bby]

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[A7md]

Really glad you opened your mind a bit leaking and sharing some of your thoughts here.
I promise to read every word again carefully and when I'm ready at some point we would need to have a chill talk about all of this.
Looking forward to reading more about all that's going inside your mind, keep sharing

 

[Irene_Adler]

Hello I just wanted to post a thread talking about how I'm scarred by life in one way so far, because it feels good talking about a thing that are taboo to talk about by many, atleast here in Sweden.
Not looking for your pity etc, I just want to talk about it.

I got my first serious depression when I was nineteen, after having a hypomanic episode staying up for days. After that i felt worse and worse and had the depression. I started drinking alot and it kept going like that for a few months. I had Benzodiazepines for my anxiety and Zopiclone to sleep on.
One evening I felt I was done with it, and had saved up alot of Benzo and Zopiclone for this day, got myself drunk as fuck and swallowed a bunch of those pills. Doing this causes respiratory depression after a while so you stop breathing and die.

I woke up at the hospital a day or two later, because apparently my mother had called me and got worried when I didn't answer so she went to my appartment(she had the other copy of my key) and found me passed out in bed. So it ended with ambulance to the nearest hospital. I woke up a day or two later with a hungover that I can promise that none of you have ever expierenced.

I got forced to stay at a mental hospital for a few months, talking to doctors, psyciatrists etc. They came to the conclussion that I was bipolar. Well, time passed and I got home again, life went on as usual for about a year and a half before my second serious depression knocked on my door. On with the drinking againg, shutting all friends out, just accompanied by my misery and loneliness. It went on like this for the better part of a year, getting a little better on the way.

I got healthy again and was like that for about half a year before getting depressed again, but this was not a depression with the same depth as the others. I was like that for about half a year before I got better.

I'm a lonely person(atm I have 3 friends I talk to sometimes, but not that much contact) and between my depression I studied on folk high-school(don't know if its just in sweden) and lived collectively, and thats what saved me(I studied handicraft, blacksmithing, silversmithing, woodwork etc).
Having my own room but still feeling the presence of other people around me that I could talk to if I wanted, or stay in my room if I wanted to be alone was nice. It gave me a calm feeling and comfort living like this.

The last folk high-school I studied at ended in May 2017. After that I lived with a random girl outside Stockholm for about 5 months before I felt bad again, and at this time I also started doing tests to see if I have ADD. Seeing the signs I know too well I decided to move to live with my dad instead when the depression hits, and have done that for about 6 months. It wasn't that bad and I'm good now.

They still havent come to a conclussion about the ADD, but I've self medicated myself with small doses of amphetamine the last few months(medication for ADD is a different and more potent type of amphetamine).

I'm a emotional person that thinks about life alot, I like to write poems to express myself and I always listen to music, music that I feel is on the same "level" as me, or atleast gives me that feeling. And I try to take life for what it is. People aren't nice, mostly false, and the world is quite a shithole really. Sad but true. I often wake up with some kind of anxiety and emptiness inside me, and I often think that I really wont live til I'm thirty to be honest. I've lost the charm and "beauty" of life, and I don't think there is a way back from that. I just don't get what people value in life.. Fucking cars, being "socially accepted" blah blah instead of going their own way, being true to themselves and going with that instead. I have a hard time seeing what it is that keeps people going. what drives them..

I was about to order drugs a few months ago to end my life(24mg Subutex and 100mg Iktorivil with alcohol) but that never happened. But these thoughts come to me from time to time, and I guess they'll finally capture me some day.

So how are you scarred by life, what is your view of life and how are you etc? Please share, would be nice to talk to someone Take care.
Hugs

*heavy sigh*
Some of these sentences really break my heart....