Instead of calling my bathroom the “John” I’m going to start calling it the “Jim”. That way I can say I go to the “Jim” every morning. 
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Coffee!!! “Starter fluid” for the morning impaired.
A Wednesday without rain is a “dry hump day”
I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter account so I just walk around announcing what I’m doing at random intervals...
Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations Much more interesting.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid? ME: No, I Asked if he was stupid.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters... do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”?
Sometimes I wonder why I’m not in a mental institution. Then I take a look around at everyone else and realize, “maybe I am”.
Never ask Google for medical advice. I’ve gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks. :O
My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It means that your level of stupidity has rendered me speechless. :O
Does anybody else have a little voice in their head that keeps saying, “Slap the Idiot, Slap the Idiot”. No? Just me? Hmmm... how odd.
Thank you for the likes. Is does not ''lay well with others'' similar to does not ''play well with others''?
I am disappearing to the solitude of my gardens before I really say or do something to HIM. He is really a pain in the ass today. Hugs
I can tell that today is going to be a “Does not lay well with others” kind of day.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fucking fired!
My spirit animal is a slightly deranged unicorn who has a mission to poke holes in all of the annoying people.
I don’t mean to brag... but I finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours and 23 minutes.
Sometimes people want to have full conversations before my morning coffee, and it’s okay to kill these people.
I admit that my level of weirdness exceeds the national average, but I’ve Always been an over-achiever
I’d love to offer you my moral support, but we both know that I have questionable morals.
You drink too much. You swear too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend. XD -
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