They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on. 
-
Dear autocorrect, stop trying to correct my swear words you ducking piece of shut!
Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you’re honest with them, then you’re an asshole. ~ George Carlin
You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Mine bets me $5 that I can’t.
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible of him.
If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to your 3 year old and tell them it’s Santa.
I actually have a rather large vocabulary for someone who says ‘fuck’ so often.
No man has EVER won a game of ‘Notice anything different about me?’
If you ask if it’s too early to indulge in an adult beverage... you are an amateur and I’m questioning the future of our relationship.
Accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of isle #5.
The next time they tell you they’ll be there between noon and five, tell them “Great, I’ll be sure to pay the bill between May and July.
My favourite kind of coffee is the kind where no one talks to me while I’m drinking it.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are one box of junk away from an episode of hoarders?
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me... I’ll laugh at you. XD
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember that.”
True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.
One night as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: “What the fuck happened to the roof?”
Boobytrap backwards is Partyboob. You’re welcome, party on!
I can’t dance to save my life, but when I step in dog shit I can Moonwalk better than Micheal Jackson.
thanks ....free is good -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…