Hi,
I guess I had to write this in order to process and internalize upon a phenomenon that, while not entirely plaguing my life, does end up making me lose money, time, and energy sometimes - All for some titillation and a good night’s sleep.
This phenomenon chronically shows itself almost everyday. 99 out of 100 days, I just fap and go to sleep. This is about that 1 day -
Note:- I know this is a problem with me, and that I might need some counselling. Despite how expensive it is, I know therapy can help.
You’re free to point out my flaws and criticize/give advice as you please. I’ll read through and be grateful for your suggestions.
So there’s a time after dinner when the day’s almost ending and you don’t really feel like doing anything. I retire on the living room sofa, get a can of Diet Coke (I don’t drink or smoke) and open this website, lurk into the chats, and look at all the mad, sexual stuff. I’m well aware of all this madness - people sounding like broken records wanting something very specific and absurd. I do see regulars, Sometimes I say hi to them, sometimes not, since I don’t really feel like making connections online anymore (I’ve done that for 6 years and it all dies eventually, so I’ve become very jaded about the process). I’m tempted to chase the validation exclusively from the sane-minded, genuine women on ofc (that complex of constantly reminding myself of my validity as capable of charming people manifests itself.)
so I tend to flirt, but I don’t insist. I know that desperation never works, so I don’t let it show.
By this time, horniness has crept into my mind from seeing all the sexual GIFs and images bombarded into the chats, and I can barely keep sexual thoughts at bay in my conversations. I realize at this point, rather than playing out the cycle of porn and fapping like everyday, I can pursue some sexual gratification IRL since I don’t want anything virtual now.
There are currently three modes of allaying this newly-induced sexual hunger.
1. A hookup app, called Pure, that shows you people in your vicinity, like a dating app. Girls exist on the app, but so do twenty times the guys. There’s a reason it’s free for girls while guys have to pay $15 a week to use it. So I burn this little hole in my wallet occasionally, despite not wanting any casual relationships. It’s basically chasing the anticipation and the validation, if the horniness is unbearable, I purchase gifts to stand out from the crowd. All this while, my self-esteem takes a hit too. I start perceiving this apparent lack of interest and women’s choice paralysis from having too many options as a flaw in my own personality which I’m showing through just a 500-character bio and 3 pictures at most. Almost always, I end up deleting the app out of frustration.
2. Webcams and Live Shows - Yes, the ones you see advertisements of on this site. I joined this site when I was a student and broke so I never got into it, until I started earning from an actual 9-5 job. I’m somewhat doing good financially now, so a little discretionary spending done seldomly doesn’t hurt my pocket. I have gone to these websites, purchased expensive tokens to talk to these outrageously gorgeous, stunning supermodels. I have had the illusion of forming a connection and being able to charm and make them laugh with my witty pick-up lines. They churn out more money by being more intimate in their private sessions. It’s like living out a fantasy.
I eventually end up leaving sexually and emotionally gratified and also a bit poorer with a slight regret. They ask me to keep coming back since they liked my “energy” - but I’m no Jeff Bezos. I got to provide for a household.
3. The oldest profession in the world - This is the last resort. While it disgusts me, the possibility of getting actual human contact and sexual experience overpowers all of it. I won’t go into the specifics of how it’s procured. Also, I do talk myself out of it, a lot of the times I give up for good - Be it laziness, fear of STDs, loss of integrity, fear of getting caught by police, budget-consciousness, any societal consequence I’m not prepared for - I just give up. But a handful of times in my life - I did find myself on someone’s bed giving them a massage, some cigarette buds lying on the floor, a hip-hop Spotify track playing on low volume in the background, lights dim, a 3 AM view of the skyscrapers and lavish hotels from the window, and a heavy hole burnt into the pocket. Heart races from all the nervousness, and this other person calms me down. It’s all dream-like, until I cum and an instant hollowness surrounds me. The regret clutches like an actual grasp of a hand on my heart. Something just breaks inside that day. I guess I seek aftercare, so I ask the person to be nice to me. No kinks, romantic gestures, or extremities - I just seek some warmth. There have been times when I snap out of it while I’m on my way, in my car. A blinding light from another car’s headlights and I end up taking a U-turn back to home.
I’m dating someone now. It’s always wonderful when we meet - time flies, there’s intimacy and I get to not be selfish in my sexual endeavours. I’m receptive to what she’s comfortable with, and happily comply. All I think of is doing things for her. It’s an emotionally fulfilling experience. We meet almost every Tuesday after work, since we live in different cities and I travel to hers for work on Tuesdays. It’s a slow burn, and we’re gradually coming to explore the sexual aspect of it, but we’re in no rush.
This phenomenon manifested itself when I was single and alone for a few years. But last night, four months since I started dating her, I did find myself in the car, on my way to a motel at 2AM. I eventually aborted it, but I was mindful of my situation and I remember explaining to myself that I’ll not engage into sexual activity, that it’ll just be some sort of platonic cuddling with a heavenly beauty. I guess I was manipulating myself into doing it. Or some stupid argument that I’ll live out this fabricated fantasy of self-validating in the presence of a gorgeous woman one last time, or like a test of my own control over my horniness, like how far can I go before it’s irreversible and I end up exchanging sexual gratification for something material. It’s a trap. The more you entertain it, the harder it gets to snap out of it.
I think I will seek some professional help, cause this relationship could be at stake and I currently don’t have the courage to let this phenomenon bring consequences into my real life. I’ve spent money anyways, that could as well go into therapy.
I also think I’m very self-aware about this, but no amount of self-awareness helps unless you have discipline, which I lack. You just don’t do certain things in life, for your own good. Sometimes, you have to shut down your curiosity and take lessons from someone else’s mistakes. All in all, you ought to value your integrity.
Thanks for reading.
I guess I had to write this in order to process and internalize upon a phenomenon that, while not entirely plaguing my life, does end up making me lose money, time, and energy sometimes - All for some titillation and a good night’s sleep.
This phenomenon chronically shows itself almost everyday. 99 out of 100 days, I just fap and go to sleep. This is about that 1 day -
Note:- I know this is a problem with me, and that I might need some counselling. Despite how expensive it is, I know therapy can help.
You’re free to point out my flaws and criticize/give advice as you please. I’ll read through and be grateful for your suggestions.
So there’s a time after dinner when the day’s almost ending and you don’t really feel like doing anything. I retire on the living room sofa, get a can of Diet Coke (I don’t drink or smoke) and open this website, lurk into the chats, and look at all the mad, sexual stuff. I’m well aware of all this madness - people sounding like broken records wanting something very specific and absurd. I do see regulars, Sometimes I say hi to them, sometimes not, since I don’t really feel like making connections online anymore (I’ve done that for 6 years and it all dies eventually, so I’ve become very jaded about the process). I’m tempted to chase the validation exclusively from the sane-minded, genuine women on ofc (that complex of constantly reminding myself of my validity as capable of charming people manifests itself.)
so I tend to flirt, but I don’t insist. I know that desperation never works, so I don’t let it show.
By this time, horniness has crept into my mind from seeing all the sexual GIFs and images bombarded into the chats, and I can barely keep sexual thoughts at bay in my conversations. I realize at this point, rather than playing out the cycle of porn and fapping like everyday, I can pursue some sexual gratification IRL since I don’t want anything virtual now.
There are currently three modes of allaying this newly-induced sexual hunger.
1. A hookup app, called Pure, that shows you people in your vicinity, like a dating app. Girls exist on the app, but so do twenty times the guys. There’s a reason it’s free for girls while guys have to pay $15 a week to use it. So I burn this little hole in my wallet occasionally, despite not wanting any casual relationships. It’s basically chasing the anticipation and the validation, if the horniness is unbearable, I purchase gifts to stand out from the crowd. All this while, my self-esteem takes a hit too. I start perceiving this apparent lack of interest and women’s choice paralysis from having too many options as a flaw in my own personality which I’m showing through just a 500-character bio and 3 pictures at most. Almost always, I end up deleting the app out of frustration.
2. Webcams and Live Shows - Yes, the ones you see advertisements of on this site. I joined this site when I was a student and broke so I never got into it, until I started earning from an actual 9-5 job. I’m somewhat doing good financially now, so a little discretionary spending done seldomly doesn’t hurt my pocket. I have gone to these websites, purchased expensive tokens to talk to these outrageously gorgeous, stunning supermodels. I have had the illusion of forming a connection and being able to charm and make them laugh with my witty pick-up lines. They churn out more money by being more intimate in their private sessions. It’s like living out a fantasy.
I eventually end up leaving sexually and emotionally gratified and also a bit poorer with a slight regret. They ask me to keep coming back since they liked my “energy” - but I’m no Jeff Bezos. I got to provide for a household.
3. The oldest profession in the world - This is the last resort. While it disgusts me, the possibility of getting actual human contact and sexual experience overpowers all of it. I won’t go into the specifics of how it’s procured. Also, I do talk myself out of it, a lot of the times I give up for good - Be it laziness, fear of STDs, loss of integrity, fear of getting caught by police, budget-consciousness, any societal consequence I’m not prepared for - I just give up. But a handful of times in my life - I did find myself on someone’s bed giving them a massage, some cigarette buds lying on the floor, a hip-hop Spotify track playing on low volume in the background, lights dim, a 3 AM view of the skyscrapers and lavish hotels from the window, and a heavy hole burnt into the pocket. Heart races from all the nervousness, and this other person calms me down. It’s all dream-like, until I cum and an instant hollowness surrounds me. The regret clutches like an actual grasp of a hand on my heart. Something just breaks inside that day. I guess I seek aftercare, so I ask the person to be nice to me. No kinks, romantic gestures, or extremities - I just seek some warmth. There have been times when I snap out of it while I’m on my way, in my car. A blinding light from another car’s headlights and I end up taking a U-turn back to home.
I’m dating someone now. It’s always wonderful when we meet - time flies, there’s intimacy and I get to not be selfish in my sexual endeavours. I’m receptive to what she’s comfortable with, and happily comply. All I think of is doing things for her. It’s an emotionally fulfilling experience. We meet almost every Tuesday after work, since we live in different cities and I travel to hers for work on Tuesdays. It’s a slow burn, and we’re gradually coming to explore the sexual aspect of it, but we’re in no rush.
This phenomenon manifested itself when I was single and alone for a few years. But last night, four months since I started dating her, I did find myself in the car, on my way to a motel at 2AM. I eventually aborted it, but I was mindful of my situation and I remember explaining to myself that I’ll not engage into sexual activity, that it’ll just be some sort of platonic cuddling with a heavenly beauty. I guess I was manipulating myself into doing it. Or some stupid argument that I’ll live out this fabricated fantasy of self-validating in the presence of a gorgeous woman one last time, or like a test of my own control over my horniness, like how far can I go before it’s irreversible and I end up exchanging sexual gratification for something material. It’s a trap. The more you entertain it, the harder it gets to snap out of it.
I think I will seek some professional help, cause this relationship could be at stake and I currently don’t have the courage to let this phenomenon bring consequences into my real life. I’ve spent money anyways, that could as well go into therapy.
I also think I’m very self-aware about this, but no amount of self-awareness helps unless you have discipline, which I lack. You just don’t do certain things in life, for your own good. Sometimes, you have to shut down your curiosity and take lessons from someone else’s mistakes. All in all, you ought to value your integrity.
Thanks for reading.
Last edited: