Women have two problems: 1. Nothing to wear. and 2. No room for all their clothes. 
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Shopping: the fine art of acquiring things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
I think that stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills. O.O
The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.
Not to brag or anything, but I’ve pleased every waitress that’s ever served me...
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing While I’m doing it.
I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.
I’ve lost my mind. If found please handle with extreme caution. It may be dirty and is definitely dangerous.
Not only is my short term memory horrible, but my short term memory is horrible.
3 rules to live by: 1. Don’t shop when you’re hungry. 2. Don’t date when you’re horny. 3. Don’t update your status when you’re drunk.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me and we can make fun of people together.
Breaking News: Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off dramatically after age 25.
Doing nothing all day is very hard to do, you never know when you are finished.
Got good news! I just saved a bunch of money on my insurance by outrunning the cops.
Breaking News: Common sense is now an endangered species. Stupidity has taken over the world and unfortunately there is no known cure.
Being polite these days is so rare that it is often confused with flirting.
I’d just like to remind everyone that International Procrastination day was last week.
I’m still waiting for the Wisdom that’s supposed to come with old age. Anyone else?
Do NOT interrupt me when I’m talking to myself.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~ Herm Albright -
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