Always be yourself. Unless you can be a Pirate, then Always be a Pirate. 
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Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.
Drinking Rum before 10:00 AM makes you a Pirate not an alcoholic.
If I’m too drunk to know that the Rum is gone and no one else knows if the Rum is gone, ...
Autocorrect changed “morning run” to “morning Rum”... Change of plan guys!
You must Never underestimate the power of the eyebrow. ~ Jack Black
Breaking News!!! Porn star sues over rear-end collision.
Breaking News!!! Brain eating zombies invade Washington D.C., die of starvation.
The Evening News is where they begin with “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I don’t always... drink milk.
I don’t always... drink beer.
I don’t always... feel like I’m at the Top of the gene pool.
I don’t always... put the seat down.
Ladies, stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot is probably stuck in a tree or something.
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A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad. O.O
Alcohol! Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
I’m at that age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they have someone to talk to. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Calories; (noun) Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit gutter every night. -
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