My friendship comes in three levels: 1. Sarcasm. 2. Insults. 3. Inappropriate sexual humour. Choose wisely 
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Everyone needs a snarky, smart-assed, sarcastic friend. I’m so happy to be of service to you.
Your ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like kidnappers asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I miss you. </3
My iPad doesn’t correct me when I type “fuck” anymore. I think we’re finally bonding.
Smart cars, smart TVs, smartphones... when will they start making smart people?
Thanks to the people who walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the people who walked out of my life and made it amazing.
I’m not anti-social! I have cable tv, internet and a dog. What else do I need?
You are only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on and the friends you party with.
There are two types of people in the world; people you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.
When I drink alcohol everyone says I’m an alcoholic. When I drink Fanta, No one calls me fantastic.
I thought the dryer shrunk my clothes, it turns out it was actually the refrigerator.
Caution: when someone tells you to “get a grip”, apparently around their neck is Not what they meant.
The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
Some people must have been conceived by anal sex. There’s no way they could be that big of an asshole naturally.
If I was a Jedi, theres a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.
The chill pill I took this morning appears to have been a placebo.
The relationship between a husband and wife is very psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical. -
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