Make me laugh

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people call him 'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence."

The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly.

The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son.

With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular man, with a chiseled jaw, arms as big as pipes and hung like a horse.

And when he walks into a room all the woman say, 'Oh My God."
 
I always weigh myself naked to ensure I get an accurate result...
To cut a long story short I'm now banned from every branch of Boots!

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me...
I had some pretty big shoes to fill!


There's a world of difference between a man and a woman saying,
"I went through an entire box of tissues during that film!"


I always wanted to be an astronaut just like my Dad...
He always wanted to be an astronaut too!


This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy!"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"


I'm extremely proud to announce that I have just finished my 7th marathon in 7 days...
Or 'Snickers', as they're now called!


Policeman: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
My wife: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.
Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.
Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.


I found the wife's G spot.
Her sister has it...
 
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